• Camille

Low-Hanging Fruit: Charlie Freaking Sheen

april 9, 2011 by camille hayes


Low-Hanging Fruit is an occasional feature in which I ridicule people who have already been so thoroughly castigated that they really don’t need me piling on to make the point. But then I go ahead and pile on anyway, because I’m just trivial enough to enjoy that sort of thing.

I had sincerely hoped never to have to mention Mr. Sheen again. As far as I was concerned, the Warlock and I had achieved a sort of detente. While his crazy misogynist shenanigans continued unabated, I had already covered the only aspect of them I thought was genuinely interesting—the fact that we know so little about what motivates serial batterers that we’re generally unable to rehabilitate them. That was the extent of anything useful I had to say on the subject, so I decided to leave the balance of the commentary to the prurient chattering class, who can’t seem to get enough of his coke-headed whore-mongering ways. Me, I’d had enough.

So when Charlie Sheen announced that he was going on a live tour, in which he would entertain people presumably by doing something that required more effort than just sneering and refraining from smoking crack for two-hour stretches, I held my tongue. When his tour started bombing, I also restrained myself, though what the hell else people could have expected is a mystery to me. Even when it looked like Sheen was guilty of being mean to adorable little smooshed-nosed doggies I didn’t say ANYTHING people, because the evidence that he is pathetic and soul-dead has been piling up for years now, so why bother?

However. On the last stop of his no-talent vulgarian tour, he apparently hit on a crowd-pleaser: verbally abusing ex-wife Denise Richards and leading his audience in a chant of “fuck that bitch.” This latest travesty was occasioned by Richards going to his house to retrieve aforesaid doggies before he killed them both with neglect, instead of just the one that shortly died of malnutrition. Look, this is America. In this country you’re free to be as big a jackass as you want, in public, and sometimes we’ll even pay you for it. I kind of love that about us. But let’s just be clear about what’s going on here: Sheen will never recover from this personally. He has encouraged a crowd of thousands to call his ex-wife a bitch, in unison, for his own profit. The ex-wife who is also the mother of his two daughters, daughters who will someday grow up to be members of the group Sheen seems to loathe so unreservedly: adult females. They’ll never forgive him, and it’s not immediately clear why they should. But don’t worry about Charlie, ya’ll. He’s still winning, if by winning you mean sucking more than anyone has sucked before, ever. At least he’s first in something.

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