Keep It in Your Pants, Yo

march 10, 2011 by camille hayes leave a comment

I’d be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to welcome Congressman Alcee Hastings, D-FL, to a club no one really wants to join, but to which, based purely on the numbers, one would assume US politicians were beating down doors to gain entrance: The Hound DogBrotherhood of Capitol Hill. Yes, it looks like that illustrious band of adulterers and skirt chasers has added another member to its ranks. Seriously, why do they do it? The days when politicians could actually get away with that kind of thing, by buying reporters cigars during their three-martini lunches at Sterling Cooper or whatever, have long since passed. And yet they soldier on, watching their defeated comrades fall around them and declaring: “I bet that girl’s flip video wasn’t even ON when I asked her bra size. I shall prevail!”

Take John Edwards for a particularly loathsome example. What a loser he turned out to be, eh?  He looked so promising in the beginning; a brilliant future in US politics was practically assured. Now, years after his Prince Charming image shattered in a great, shuddering paroxysm of tabloid tackiness (complete with scorned wife’s tell-all book), the public keeps returning to a single, unanswerable question: What the hell, dude?

Did he really think he wouldn’t get caught? He was running for President, for God’s sake! Literally the entire American political press corps was watching him. And while that group has happily overlooked the obvious before, one thing they’ve never done is turn their backs on a story involving a politician’s penis.  Hardly a week goes by without news of some politico unzipping his trousers in the presence of someone with no desire to see the contents therein. Even lefty hero Al Gore, nerdy super-ego to Bill Clinton’s unrepentant man-ho id, has been revealed to enjoy displaying his naughty bits to masseuses and hotel employees, so there goes that illusion, and to hell with all of us for being naïve.

If Alcee Hastings’ accuser, Winsome Packer, notified even half the people she says she did at the time of his advances then he is screwed, and not in the fun way he was trying to accomplish when he allegedly felt her up and threatened her job. That’s just how folks roll inside the Beltway, I guess, but aren’t these people supposed to be working? I hear America has some problems that need looking into.