march 15, 2011 by camille hayes leave a comment
What do Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, Michele Bachmann and Michael Steele all have in common? In addition to being blabbermouth nitwits who’ve made media careers of being hilariously unqualified for the jobs they either have or seek, they also specialize in alienating the political party that got them those jobs in the first place: the GOP.
In punditry news this week, Sarah Palin’s relentless stupidity is riling up her party’s establishment, to the extent that that group can be riled, and she also reportedly ran afoul of crazy old coot Roger Ailes. Normally, Sarah doesn’t mind pissing people off, because she has shrewdly deduced that totally infuriating everyone on Earth gets her page views and speaking gigs, so whatevs. But Ailes is the head of Fox News, and thus the person who grants her access to the two things she truly loves: attention and money. So bad move, Sarah, and here’s hoping that it leads to your termination, so at least one cable channel out of a million can be free of your hillbilly taint.
Over in Congress, Michele Bachmann is busy staring blankly and talking nonsense per usual, but her by-now mundane antics were enough to rouse George Will from his Goldwater Curmudgeon Hibernation Cave to take a swipe at her presidential aspirationson ABC this past Sunday. You can hardly blame him: the woman is so uninformed about even the simplest matters as to appear entirely divorced from reality.
And currently on the GOP’s unemployment roster are Delaware’s virgin Wicca ex-Senate hopeful Christine O’Donnell, along with token black gaffe monster Michael Steele, the erstwhile RNC head. Those two are down now, but don’t count them out; I’m sure they’ll be back in front of the cameras in no time, embarrassing the party they call home.
What did Republicans do to deserve such ungrateful children? As soon as they gave them the car keys, they got loaded on wine coolers and started rear-ending cops. As is often the case when kids act out, this can be blamed on neglect: for women and minorities, Republicans are absentee parents who, in their twilight years, have realized it might be nice have a relationship with their wayward offspring/potential voters. The problem the GOP’s bad dads are facing (and seem genuinely puzzled by–it’s kind of cute!) is that the ladies and the black people don’t truly identify with their party because until very recently, the party hasn’t given a crap about them.
Conservatives like Palin and Steele don’t tow the Party line, or any line, except the one that’s tethered to their own nutty ambitions. If they aren’t particularly loyal to Republicans it’s because Republicans have, historically, done fuck-all to help them. And whatever opportunistic ties bind Bachmann to the Congressional GOP, or Steele to the machinery of the national Party, deep down they know conservatives don’t really love them; they just want them to show up and smile for the family portrait. So good luck bringing your ornery latchkey kids to heel, GOP! And please try to keep them off of our televisions in the meantime.