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Don Juans and Berry Pickers: Your Life in Evolutionary Psychology

February 24, 2011

Camille Hayes

Menstruation is gross! Everybody knows that. But did you know that the ovulationportion of the menstrual cycle is a dangerous time for men, because the special “I am now impregnate-able” smell women exude makes helpless males engage in aberrant behaviors like flirting and over-tipping strippers?  This is a very important and true science fact, which is why New York Times science columnist John Tierney (remember the “science” part; it will be important later) is telling you all about it, under the entirely sensible headline: “The Threatening Scent of Fertile Women.” Way to go, Newspaper of Record! That is some bitchin’ journalism, right there.

According to the evolutionary psychology research cited by menstrual expert John Tierney, ovulation is a threat to men, their masculinity, and their manly masculine capacity for autonomous action. Actually, that does make some sense. Why else would we constantly be researching ways to suppress the menstrual cycle? Convenience for women? Ha-ha, I made a funny joke! If we really cared about women’s convenience we’d be busy trying to isolate the “please don’t assault me” pheromone and synthesizing it into a floral after-bath splash. No, the only time women’s research generates the loving press attention that is the goal of all real science, is when it’s linked to men and their apparent alarm at our magical reproductive ladypowers. (That, or boobies.)

Evolutionary psychology is, in the main, a big sack of sexist crap, which rationalizes our most aggressive, least altruistic impulses by shrouding anti-social behavior in the murky, un-verifiable mists of prehistory and caveman mythology. And funnily enough, these rationalizations usually benefit men more than women (unless there are women out there who consider societal endorsement of their grocery shopping skills a “benefit”).

Evolutionary psychologists’ interest in female behavior tends to center on their inherent talent for unpleasant tasks like house cleaning, because women were in charge of sorting berries this one time a million years ago, and therefore men can now never be expected to locate the Dustbuster. In contrast, evolutionary psychology has been a major boon for the boys. Cheating on your wife? You’re merely fulfilling your evolutionary destiny, and should probably not even try to be less of a jerk because: science.

In conclusion, science is why women should do all the grocery shopping and why men will eventually cheat on them. Additionally, science is why we should eliminate women’s periods forever, as they are a threat to men’s capacity to make clear-headed decisions about how much to tip strippers, and also they are messy on their sheets. Q.E.D., ladies!

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